Things have been kind of horribly shitty lately.
My older brother who's in prison is gonna be moved within the next few weeks here and will then start a trial where a very real outcome is him possibly getting the death penalty or life in prison.
I also feel pretty much like I'm completely useless as a human being. I'm twenty-three, dropped out of community college, have a job—not a career, actually got my pay lowered by a dollar an hour because I just can't fucking compete with 100+ sales a week.
My brother's got this other sister named Kristen. She's two weeks older than me, has a degree, is a teacher, lives on her own, and teaches English to kids up on the res.
I have 0 friends IRL. Zero. There are two or three people I talk to at work, but we aren't friends. I'm not that person people want to be friends with; I'm that person people call a loaner to justify not being friends with. And, I mean, I get it, I don't listen to their music, I read for fun and like comic books and scary movies. I don't like getting drunk or doing drugs and I refuse to associate with people who think an eight-ball is a great way to spend a weekend.
(This is the part where half of you call me a judgmental bitch and defriend me. But you know what? I was raised by addicts and drugs are the reason sixth grade was my last year in a real school. I'm allowed not to want to be around them.)
Also, I have pretty much no confidence in myself. I'm constantly worried that I'm going to get fired even though I'm so paranoid about getting fired that I don't make mistakes. I mean, my boss has more faith in me than I do. This week I missed Tuesday, Wednesday, part of Friday, and Saturday because I was sick and Tuesday was the first time since starting there November of '08 that I've missed a day. And my voice was so fucked up on Friday that my boss TOLD me to go home and not to come in on Saturday. But I'm still paranoid that I'm gonna go in on Monday and be told that I've missed too many days and am gonna be let go or have my pay lowered again or something.
I work my ass off non-stop and since most of my money goes to my parents for helping out with the house and bills all I have to show for it is the ability to survive two weeks of lunch at work on less than a hundred dollars. I got paid over a thousand dollars on Friday, it's Sunday and I have $103.
Also, I cannot seem to write anymore and everything I HAVE written is complete crap.
My major depressive funk; let me show you it.