BEWARE OF JENMAR. (clex_monkie89) wrote,

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SPN Fic Peeves

My top ten fanfic pet peeves.

(Supernatural edition)

1) Dean does not think anyone is daft. His car does not have a boot unless he's illegally parked in New York with an assload of tickets. He does not have an arse. Neither does Sam. Neither of them have arseholes either (if I weren't so horrified I'd point you to that fic). The only part of Dean's body that has the word "bum" anywhere near it's name is his trick knee. If Sam wants to drag Dean to a movie they watch it in a theater. And while we're at it if one of them talks about going to "the theater" they're talking about a play, otherwise they're going to "the movies" or "the movie theater." Neither of them have a dead "mum."

I know y'all love your spellings and your words but if I went to HP fandom and made Ron take out the garbage while Harry took the elevator up to the two-bedroom apartment they shared as roommates I would be mass murdered. America and it's language and culture and fucked-up words are very much a huge character in this show. Few things make me close out of a fic quicker than an SPN fic with UK/Canadian words/spellings. I'm sorry; that's just how it is.

2) Dean is smart. He made a fucking EMF meter out of a Walkman and hunts down things that require lots of difficult reading to kill. He reads and speaks Latin. Stop making Sam so completely fucking shocked when Dean isn't a drooling, helpless idiot.

And for that matter? Stop making Dean a drooling, helpless idiot. Yes, he has been sidled with being Exposition Boy but that doesn't mean he doesn't know what he's doing.

3) How many of you have actually been to motels? I'm not trying to sound like a bitch but, really. I've lived in motels for a while growing up. Not hotels. Motels. Cheap, crappy ones like Sam and Dean stay in. The hot water does not run out in the showers like it does in your home. I cannot stress this enough. It's been about four years since I've lived in motels and I still have a problem remembering I can't take an hour-long hot shower. Motels have near-endless supplies of hot water. They have to have enough for everyone in their motel to get a hot shower--otherwise people demand their money back, leave and tell everyone they know. Then the motel goes out of business.

Neither Sam or Dean would be complaining because the other used all the hot water. I don't think even Sam, clocking in at 6'5, can use all the hot water in a motel. Now a bed and breakfast or something like that place from Playthings? Yeah, they might run out of hot water. Not a motel. Even the shittiest ones I've lived in don't run out of hot water. There have been ones with no water or discolored water or no cold water (that last on is an Arizona thing, I think) but none with no hot water.

4) Who decided Sam is a salad-only health freak? Seriously. Look at that boy. Jared is Sam and eats the whole cow, the horse standing next to it, half the pig that rolled in the mud out back and fifteen pounds of brightly colored sugar. Each meal. There is no fucking way Sam look like he does eating just salad. That is a meat-eating boy right there. Yeah, maybe he doesn't think Nacho Cheese Doritos and Mountain Dew are a good breakfast but that does not mean he's a hamburger-hating, strictly-salad eating borderline vegan. He's that guy who orders two appetizers, a salad, a full dinner with a baked potato and a side and then wants a milkshake and pie. Trust me; two of my brothers are those guys and are Sam's size (minus one and four inches).

5) No, you stupid little bitch, Dean would not like Modest Mouse if only he listened to them. Get the fuck off of my internet.

6) No, really. Leave now.

7) Sam loved Jess. This is fucking canon. If I see one more idiot monologue about how Sam was waiting for the right time to break up with her or how he mostly liked her as a friend but didn't love her I'm gonna start stapling people's fucking foreheads. He was shopping for wedding rings. He mourned her. He loved her, you mooks. Sam can actually love Dean and Jess. I know, it's shocking. Wincest does not require that Sam never loved Jess or even that he's gay. Really, I promise.

8) I know many of you out there, most of you probably, have been brought up rather squeaky but I need to get something off my chest. It is canon, stated in The Usual Suspects, that John moved Sam and Dean around a lot growing up. Nearly every Wee! or Teen! fic I've read have them all living in an apartment or a house. Speaking as someone who grew up on the move like them with parents who went off the grid like John did (Though for very different reasons of course) I can tell you that them living in an apartment probably wasn't a common thing and them living in a house is just fucking ridiculous. Apartments cost money. First and last months rent, move-in fee, security deposit, electricity, water, and any other things the particular apartment complex tacks on. We're looking at... I'll say two thousand right there. That's being modest because I don't know how money was like in the mid-eighties to mid-nineties and the cost of living in Arizona is ridiculously low.

It takes lots of time to make two thousand dollars. John can't just use a credit card to get a place because that's ridiculous and also because once it gets reported fraudulent (A week or so at most) they're gone. And I don't see John plunking down two or three thousand dollars into an apartment when he's using his kid's college funds to pay for ammo and relying on fraud and theft as main sources of income. And that's not even talking about how unpredictable the whole thing is or the way he would likely pick them all up and run at a whiff of The Demon. You want to put them in an apartment, fine; but please try to remember that they would be staying in the car or a motel for at least as long as it took for John to get enough money for the fucking place.

9) Yes, Dean once said "no chick-flick moments." Once. STFU and stop repeating it. It is not like his "son of a bitch."

And you wanna hear something funny? When the chick-flick moments get going they are almost always started by Dean. Don't believe me? Go back and watch. I'll give you IMToD because Sam and John couldn't see Dean start the "chick-flick moments" through most of the ep. But CSPWDT? Croatoan? AHBL (Parts 1 and two)? Dean, Dean and Dean.

10) And for that matter? Stop turning Sam into a chick with a dick. Seriously, knock it the fuck off. He wants to talk about his feelings, yeah, that's how he deals with them. He has cried and/or misted... Five times, I think. Salvation, IMToD, CSPWDT, Croatoan and Heart. Dean cries or mists up in nearly every episode; I would list every instance but LJ only has an 8k or so word limit on posts. When they finally do get around to talking about their feelings/their issues/the lack of good chocolate silk pie/whatever Dean is the one more likely to start wiping his eyes while Sam stands next to him and ignores the tears. Do y'all not remember bitching about Sam not doing anything when Dean is crying and pouring his heart out at the end of CSPWDT?
Tags: fandom, fandom:, gripeage, supernatural, writing

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