BEWARE OF JENMAR. (clex_monkie89) wrote,

No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.

I was a victim of sexual violence. And so were quiet a few of you. For that I am truly sorry and ashamed to be a member of a species that can do these things to others.

This is an unfortunetly popular meme going around at the moment. I very much wish I never saw it and wish that nobody would ever need to see it but in keeping in theme with today "You can't always get what you want."

It's distressing how many of my friends have been sexually abused. I know the statistics, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been molested by the time they hit eighteen. I personally know of at least 10 women and 3 men who I consider to be friends who have been sexually abused at one point or another in their lives. And that's just the ones who are open and willing to admit it.

The statistics are based off of people with the courage to talk about their experience(s), there are an alarmingly large number more who won't speak for one reason or another.

I am used to be one of them. I was molested between the ages of 3-7 and never told anyone. He was our live-in baby-sitter. I never told my parents, I don't know why I didn't do it then, I think I was glad for the attention (Typical story, mom and dad ignore the kid and the abuser takes advantage and then warps him/her for life). They still don't know. Neither does anyone else in my family, or any of my counselors. I've told a few people over the internet but no one in person. It's much easier to tell people things when you don't have to see their reaction.

This affects me to this day, I can't be alone in a room with an older man without freaking out slightly, wondering whether or not I'm giving out signals or if he's looking at me that way. I have an unfortunate amount of memories to go along with the experience thankfully I tend to be able to..."block" the sexual ones pretty good most of the time, it's just small things that affect me. Like going to the bathroom around people. I have a clear memory of him watching me go to the bathroom (The door had to stay open if no one else was there "For safety.") and now I have trouble going in public bathrooms, though I am getting better, I don't wait all day anymore as often.

This is part of the reason why I hesitate to call myself bisexual. I like women and men, but I don't like sex. My two and a half other experiences were colored by my childhood. What I consider to be my first time (In my mind rape and/or molestation don't count, probably only so when I play truth or dare I don't have to answer anything revolving around virginity with "Four.") was pretty much me being afraid what would happen if I said no. Second time I was afraid the guy wouldn't like me anymore--I had pretty much no friends and thought he was one--and so I said yes. The half comes from a time when I woke up in the middle of the night and this stalker I used to have (Another person I thought was a friend who was staying the night at my house with friends) was touching me and...doing things to me while I was asleep. The fear hit again and I pretended to be asleep and rolled over and curled fetal.

I enjoy kissing, and "making out" with both men and women, but the thought of sex, or anything involving touching below the waist tends to spaz me out pretty hard.

I don't like to use the words victim or survivor towards myself in regards to this because they feel wrong. I am not a victim, I did not die. I am not a survivor. Do you know what the definitions for survivor are?

1) To remain alive or in existence.
Yes I am alive, no my life was never in danger. I do not simply "exist."

2) To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere: families that were surviving in tents after the flood.
Yes I carry on, it's called being human, nothing has to affect you longer than you let it.

3) To remain functional or usable: I dropped the radio, but it survived.
No I am not functionable, nor am I usable. I am so much more.

I've been feeling kinda blah all day before seeing this but now...

Apparently this all started from misia's post.

No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.
I'm a survivor of sexual violence.
Tags: meme, rl

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