BEWARE OF JENMAR. (clex_monkie89) wrote,

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My ADD and Michael's LLI and Self-Esteem

Keep in mind that this is incredibly unorganized and half-done because... I cannot figure out how to put this into words.

This makes some sense to me because I know what I want to say and so it works for me kinda. If you want to talk I'm more than happy to. If you have no clue what I'm talking about I'd love to hear a question and if you disagree I'd totally love to hear that too.

Okay, I get distracted easily and have a kind of short attention span. I don't read many books because even though I love to read I can't stand being bored and if a book is boring for more than two pages I tend to find something else to do and abandon the book. It's why I only got to page 86 of Fellowship of the Ring.

I usually tend to be doing several things at once because then I keep myself busy, I always (With the exception of sometimes when I'm in the library) have music or the TV or a movie going on in the background and I usually have Notepad, Photoshop, and a few tabs open all at once. Oh yeah, I tend to be in Marishna's AIM chat and be talking to someone (Miss_Mandy, or Alazysod or Jeyhawk usually) too. Yay for multitasking!
Anyway, I usually do a half-dozen things at once because for m that means I'll finish them quicker. I'll finish a fic quicker if I'm talking to people than if I'm only doing the fic by itself on my own.

So we've got multitasking and short attention span right there. Next comes distractions.

I was once in a car accident, a small fender-bender, because while stuck in stop-and-go traffic there was a pickup next to me with some kids in the back. For some reason my eyes were stuck on the kids while still driving forward and I didn't notice the guy in front of me stop. Bang and crash.

Another good example of my distraction is my talking. Quite often I'll be talking to someone about something and will say "Oh! Real quick before I forget;" and then suddenly completely change topics because my brain just switched channels and found something shiny to focus on suddenly.

List making and organizing are big things for me too that's more to do with my OCD and it really just compliments the ADD nicely. I have a good few dozen notes and scraps of paper with things on them to remember and I have my computer and notebooks organized like woah. My MUST READ folder for example? Is split by fandom and the LotRips folder is split into pairings and the Viggorli folder is split into WIPS, One-Shots and Done. I mention this because it helps my multitasking and because when I get real bored I can sometimes fall back on organizing.

Why am I mentioning any of this? Because it will help you understand more how I see the LLI.

Michael and LLI and Self-Esteem

From what I've read in articles LLI is a broken filter in the brain essentially. All the crap our brain ignores his sees. He doesn't have a Spam Folder and so everything goes straight to his Inbox.

From what it looked like to me on the show they seemed to try and connect the LLI with his lack of self-esteem. I call Shenanigans on that.

The low self-esteem? Is probably Linc's fault. I was raised by drug addicts too and I can tell you right now that when people are high they're assholes. It's all about what you can do for them and what benefits them and their next hit and their money and things like that. They're usually completely self-focused and when something goes wrong or when they are just plain mad they take it out on the first person they see.

I think I write and draw like shit and the fact that I have a B+ in two of my classes makes me feel horribly embarrassed and incredibly stupid even though I "know" I'm not. This comes from having the type of upbringing that Michael most likely had, which is why I was very happy to hear he had a low sense of self-worth because that was realistic.

The low sense of self-esteem comes from having people you love, the only people you have regular interaction with, tell you you're worthless and you can't do anything right and other hurtful things because they're high or they want to be and aren't. They bitch and moan because you can't or won't make any money or "get off your ass" or get them drugs or do something for them. I very much think that there were two Linc's growing up. The nice, loving one who took care of his baby brother and kept him safe and made sacrifices for him and the strung-out one who wanted his next hit and was pissed when he didn't have money and resented Michael for just sitting there and being "pampered."

Michael would take that all to heart because he has LLI but because that's his big brother and he loves him.

I think the LLI more comes into play in his everyday life and I don’t think it's a big deal. Before I knew that what I had was ADD I knew how to work around it. I always have a notebook with me so I can draw or write in class when I get bored (Which by the way is where I did most of this, in Constitutional Law), I listen to music to help me focus when I study to focus, I have sugar when I get too hyper to calm down, etc, etc. I think that Michael's the same way.

He was diagnosed after college (He used his stipend from work for Psyche) and so that leads me to think that all it really was was a name. I think when he was little in manifested in only slightly abnormal ways, him and Linc (Any excuse for destruction) used to take apart remotes and phones and doors and everything they could get their hands on because Linc liked fixing things (It made him feel good that he could do it) and Michael liked knowing how they worked.

I see Michael spending hours and hours watching Linc fix the sink or the fridge or whatever else was broken and I see Linc being absolutely convinced that Michael was going to be a doctor because Michael had some weird obsession with how the human body worked and probably had a homemade diagram of the various parts of the human structure (*Shifty eyes* Not that I speak from experience or anything...) tacked on his/their wall.

I really want to say something about the five senses and being overwhelmed (Ala Callmetofu's fic) but every time I think about anything like that my brain runs back to The Sentinel and it's not fair because I've only ever seen one episode but of course it had to be the fucking pilot.

In summary? Michael has low self-esteem because of Linc and life; it makes him human. Michael probably had some troubles with staying focused because he was a curious kid and he probably tried to play "fix-it" with Linc.
Tags: fandom: prison break, meta

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