When you look at me the first thing you see is baggy black pants with chains on them. Then you notice the weird colored hair pulled into a Lillith Crane-tight bun. Next you see the two bug watches I wear and all the rubber bracelets and rubberband bracelets and the shirt that's either some dark color, has something to do with Ireland, Hooligans, Rugby, or a superhero on it.
Next you see the huge red backpack with random pins on it and a bunch of Mardi Gras beads hanging off the side and a gigantic, heavy looking coat pulled through the bottom straps with a wire coming from one pocket attached to the headphones I've got on. Next thing you see is my face, either looking "sad" or "depressed" (Dude, I think I should be insulted, this is how I always look!) or looking frustrated. I always carry around the same notebooks in my hand instead of a backpack and I'm usually opening or closing one to write something in it.
I look scary right? I don't mind that.
I'm the type of kid you'd think is writting shitty poetry and thinking about killing herself. Hell, when you see all the little baby-scars on my arms and the stitching near my right wrist you figure I've probably tried right?
I'm probably a chain-smoker and that's why I'm fidgeting so much, because I need my next nicotine fix. Either that or I take drugs and that's why I can't seem to sit still. I probably go out and get stoned with my friends and have sex and get trashed and probably dropped out/is failing out of school, right?
When you hear me say into my phone "I'll be home soon, love you," you probably think I'm talking to my boyfriend, right? And when you hear "I'll call you when I get home, okay? Okay I'll call you when I get on the next bus. Love you too," you probably think he's some horribly controlling bastard right?
When you see me sit sideways on the bus seat you probably think I'm just some random kid who doesn't want to give up any of her seat, right? And if I decline to sit next to you instead of stand I'm obviously racist, right (I shit thee not, I've been "called" on it)?
If I immediately put on my headphones upon getting on or off the bus I obviously think I'm better than you and that's why I don't wanna talk to you right?
And because I wear a lot of black I worship Satan or I'm Wicca/Wiccan/"A witch"/Whatever, right?
When I write I'm usually writing something PB or random ideas for fics or songs to remember or something.
All those baby-scars and the stitching on my wrist is when I tried to climb through a window I didn't realized was closed. I was playing with one of my brothers. I was fourteen. I don't want to die and the fact that one day I will terrifies me.
I have never done a single drug in my life, I have taken a drag off a cigarette once, I have done one shot of Kaluha and accidently chugged a glass of wine and a Vodka and Pepsi, and I have never wanted to kill myself. The only time I've ever want to hurt myself? Is when I have a scab (Because I have to peel it off) or when I've done something like stubbed my toe (Because if I bite my finger or something it makes me focus on a new pain that isn't as bad).
I have ADD, mild OCD, arthritis, muscles cramps and I get antsy when I try to sit still because it physically hurts me to do so. I'm not kidding it hurts like a full-body muscle cramp. I am not withrdrawling from anything.
I don't have sex and I don't plan to. Ever. It does not appeal to me and the thought of ever doing it makes me physically nauseous.
When I'm on the phone and I tell someone I love them? It's my Mom or my brother. If I say I'll call someone when I get off the bus it's because I'm talking to my Mommy and she worries about me, especially going home by myself. I have no boyfriend. I have had three in my life. One was cool while we were dating and then he became a total prick, one was okay but I only said yes because I was afraid we wouldn't be friends anymore. The third is much like the second except that I don't talk to this person much and I have no real problem with that because I feel the need to hit sometimes. I date no one now and I like it.
You see that weird tenting around my leg? That's a huge piece of metal I have strapped to it. I sit like this because otherwise I lose feeling in that leg because the metal and velcro pulls across the arteries and veins.
And when I don't sit next to you it isn't because I'm racist, it's because when I sit next to someone either they get metal jammed into their knee or I get my hurt knee hit from having it stick out in the isle. That and I have personal issues with space, benig close to people is creepy, I'm sure you might understand this if you ever sobered up.
I don't think I'm better than you, hell with my self-esteem I usually think I'm worse. I have a stutter and I don't like talking to people because they make me nervous and then I stutter more and then I feel stupid. Also? I'm glad that you like my shirt but it's really not an excuse to stare at my chest you sick pervert.
I don't worship Satan and I'm not Wicca. I like wearing black. I'm goth, it's what we do. I don't like colors because they look weird on me and I look sickly-pale when I wear colors yet when I wear black I look kinda healthyish. I know it's weird but it is what it is.
And? I don't wear dresses. Period. Shut the fuck up. That doesn't make me gay. And the fact that half of my head is shaved? Yep, you got it, doesn't make me gay either. Shocking, huh?
You know what?
I give away money to people who don't have enough to get ont the bus or buy something to eat/drink from Circle K, I smile real big when a song I like comes on, I get good grades in school and I try not to even miss one class because I'm afraid of getting a B. I take notes for a kid in one of my classes who is still learning English and took them last semester for a deaf kid. I'm a nice person.
Stop treating me like shit and quit looking at me like that. And I promise, if you sit next to me in the library I'm not going to eat you or anything you preppy bitch.
It's totally weird because I actually don't feel all that ranty or bitchy right now.
I don't really feel bad or anything, this just took a different turn once I started writing it. I guess I was a bit more frustrated than I thought I was.
I'm cool now though! *Big hugs to all*
Also? The "you" isn't you guys just people in general I guess. Strangers on the bus.
ETA: Just printed out this. Catching the bud in ten to head on home. Big kisses to all of you!
Expect a crappy voice post soon.