BEWARE OF JENMAR. (clex_monkie89) wrote,

Okay, not having a fun time right now, trying to stave off an attack but I don't really think it's gonna work all that well. I haven't scratched myself up I don't think.

Trying to do the deep breathes thing but I'm doing it shallowly and I know it and I'm starting to get kinda dizzy.

Trying to write some PB to take my mind off it but my brain's going too quick and it's being all jittery and the first two lines have been reorganized already like three or four tmes I think.

Have I mentioned that when I'm having these I get real spazzy about lyeing even if I do it accidentally? I'm not entirely sure why but I think it's because I feel bad like I've done something wrong by lieing and I don't really like to do it but sometimes it just pops out before I think about it.

My stomache hurts now and I feel sick and I need to remember to make myself a note to call the doctor on Monday becaus ecompletely aside from my knee I need to ask about being put on birth-control or something that won't fuck up my already fucked-up brain for a week and a half every month. Cause these really aren't fun and I don't like them at all and I think I need to see about calling Chicanos Por La Causa on Monday too because I need to deal with some of my issues and that's fucking obvious.

Sitting up all night by myselfwhen everyone else is asleep and sleeping all day probably isn't helping me either, or my lack of eating much or getting the amount of sleep I need. And the whole not being around or interacting with people (Physically) thing probably is doing a number on me too and I need to get my sleep schedule fixed soon because classes start on the seventeenth and I need to actually go to them.

My heart is racing so much that I feel like I'm running marathon and I'm breathing like I just did and my right hand has been not-quiet-numb since I woke up at seven and Mom says that it's probably how I slept on it because I guess I didnt really move much and it's probably got part to do with only having got six hours of sleep and not getting much sleep in general lately.

And that whole thing with Chris and mentioning not to cross through the parking lot to get to Whataburger like I usually do because something might happen to me (Not from him) has got me on edge too. Have I mentioned tht I haven't been to work since Monday and I was suppossed to go on Friday, Saturday and today? Yeah, not gonna happen. I think I'm calming down a bit more now but beware that you may get spammed with posts like these today maybe. And if you have a problem with that? Too fucking bad, I don't care because this actually helps me tke my mind off of it and get through all this shit and I feel a tiny bit better when I'm done.

I still feel like I'm gonna throw up though. It feels icky and you know I didn't used to be a cryer but lately I'm just having so many attacks and they always happen when my emotions are going haywire with PMS anyway so it's so much worse now.

I'm not sure exactly why this is lately that it's happening so much now but it's not fun and I just scratched my arm and I scratched the back of my head earlier but I'm really trying not to. I want to go to sleep and I don't want to and I'm tired but I'm not and I'm really fucking scared and this just is not fun at all. I want to wake Mom up but I'm too embarrassed to and she needs sleep to and waking her upjust to cry is fucking stupid and...

It'sobvious that I'm not dealing with my shit as well as I think I am and I think the last time I transcribed an attack like this I talked about calling the doctor and Chicanos Por La Causa but I never got around to it because I feel almost normal when I'm not freaking out and I'mso fuking tired right now. I think I may be done now and it occurs to me that maybe it's not that I start to dissassociate from this nd that maybe it's just that I run out of the energy needed to freak out as bad as I do. Hence the yawning and the verytiredness and the way my body fels right now where it's kind of not numb but just there, Like when you're almost asleep and you know where your legs are but it's not a conscious knowledge of them. Okay, no heavy breathing or anything like that now so I think I'm gonna post this and I apologize to anyone who didn't want to read this and didn't see the tag. Next time check my tag first. Okay. Bye. For now of course.
Tags: panic attacks

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