*Freaks the fuck out*
I'm just going to keep typing through this because the more I get it out the less intense it is and the less freaked out I am. And my arms are starting to feel hot from all the scratches and it's not fun at all really. The thing that usually runs through my mind when I'm having one of these is death because I'm fucking terrified of dieing or anyone else I know dieing and I'm scared shitless of being alone and I want to read Herry Potter right now but I really can't handle all the death talk in it because it's making me sick and scared and nauseous and I'm starting to notice that I hve these more often when I'm on my peroid and I don't care of that spazzes people out because it's true and I think it's because I'm more emotional around then and everything just goes wacky. I need to talk to someone about this or something because I don't like being this scared all the time and it was easy when I was at Job Corps because I wasn't living with Mom or anything like that and I didn't have much contact with anyone in my family so I wasn;t as scared as being completely alone and now I am and I'm completely dependent and it scraes me to the point where I'm physically sick and shaking and scratching and biting and I want to cry so badly but my defenses usually don't let me and I swear to god this is not even fucking funny.
I'm typing this stream of consciouslike because I did that once at work when I had one and even though I went on for seven pages it helped me distance myself from it and it's almost like your writing a story about someone or something else and you don't have to deal with it because it's not real or something like that. Distancing? I think that's what it's clled but wait it's dissassociation I think even though I'm pretty sure I spelled it wrong and I want to throw up write now because yuck. I'm tired and I'm scared and even though I'm sitting next to my mother I'm too much of a great big fucking wuss to say anything because I don't fucking know. Gd I feel sick. This is helping a little bit but I'm still feeling bad obviously.
I can tyell that I'm coming down now though because I fell shakey and te scratches are kind of tingling now. God I hate how tired and... numbish I get when I'm done.
God I'm so fucking drained right now I just want to cry but I'm not sure I have the energy. Fuck a counselor, I need a fucking therapist. God I wish I could afford something. Chicano's Por La Causa has free counseling but I went through like four conselors in as many months with them and I just can't fucking handle getting used to someone and then having them fucking dissapear for better pay. I have huge horrible seroius problems and I'm pretty sure that they all stem from the same thing and it's completely logical because what happened to me when I was young fucks up people horribly if they don't deal with it and I know that ignoring isn't good dealing no matter how much I think it is.
I'm terrified of death and dieing and other people dieing, I'm terrified of being alone and the Left Behind series fucked my shit up hardcore. I have absolutely no interest in ever having sex and am down-right disgusted at the thought of it, I'm completely terrified at the prospect of being alone forever and yet dating someone scares the shit out of me. I can't handle being alone with certain people or sitting next to older guys on the bus and I'm always terrified that people are staring at me and thinking about me that way.
And now I want to cry again but for a different reason this time.
And now that I've just spent an hour or so running through my back entries and having a minor spazz over a random sound that may have possibly been roofrats on, well, the roof I'm feeling a bit better and much like I'm good with stoping typing this right now.
I welcome any questions though and I'm not going to spell-check or reformat this because you know what? I think it's kinda cool to see how I type while trying to stave off a gigantic freak-out and settle for a small one. And yeah, that fucker was a small one. My stomach still hurts though.
I love all you guys right now and will probably be one for another few hours if anyone's awake and bored. G'night to everybody (Even though I'll still be up). and sweet dreams to all.