So, that twenty hours of OT I worked last week? That twenty-five sales I fought tooth and nail for and that stupid fucking bonus I missed because I got sent home early for being on OT? That $1,000 paycheck after taxes that I'm getting on Friday?

Yeah, every penny of it except for $100 for food for the next two weeks—$50 less than usual—is going to Ma and CJ on Thursday.

Also, every last one of the $33 I have this moment is going to be given to them as soon as I get home too.

All this and I still get yelled at and treated like I'm nine.

Long work-week.

Busted my ass to get seventy-three bucks in commission.

Got second in the stack ranking for a hundred and twenty-five dollar bonus.

And Friday when I get paid I'm handing over three hundred and fifty to my parents for bills and then every other penny of it because their cars and the rent and Ma's school all just got paid and now there's nothing left over.

Sometimes I really fucking hate being a good daughter.

And, in happier news, I have 8,367 words to write by Friday or I'm not making Big Bang.

I don't even have the time to answer comments or do, basically, anything but write non-stop until I hit 20k.

This was gonna be an emo post but what the fuck ever. Basics summed up:

1) Yesterday was my birthday, I did nothing productive and then had a four-hour long fight with a friend that I hate. The fight, not the friend, she's kind of made of tiny, small awesome, and will totally get that.

2) It's a guy in my bay's birthday today so everyone's passing around a birthday card to sign, and I was being emo because I'm an idiot.

3) Nobody here knows it was my birthday yesterday because I didn't tell anyone.

4) I didn't tell anyone for the same reason I never make a huge post about it; because nobody cares and I just feel like an idiot for drawing attention to myself for no reason. (See what I said about making Dean seem healthy?)

5) Is something else that's bothering me but will actually be FLocked because it's about a fic. That's right, I have no problem with the internet knowing I'm a giant loser, but I don't want them to know I have an issue with a fic.

Watch this journal for some insane emo and self-worth issues that make Dean look downright healthy.

ETA in approximately two hours.

So tonight I was supposed to go to the TDK DVD release party at the Blockbuster near my house. They were gonna have a costume contest and prizes and they were gonna show the movie and everything.

I went there.

Wandered around in the store for an hour and a half.

There were TWO other people there, and very highly likely not there for the party.

Fucking depressing, man. I never go out, I never do things, and the one time I do there's nothing to do. A waste of an hour and a half and eight bucks.

At least Ma said she'd get the movie for me—that's already pre-ordered—while I'm at work tomorrow.

Okay, so I just got done coding the Newsletter, right? And I just found stealth__grrl's icons. Dude, they are amazing. Just look. Y'all need to go friend her and nab a bunch of them like, right now.

I still feel like crap, BTW. Not fun. Also? I'm a raging bitch when I'm sick so if I've offended anyone or hurt anyone's feelings or just been an ass to them I apologize. I apologize again because I will likely do so again before I get better.

I spent a big fucking chunk of today working on The Laundry List. Phase two is done. Tomorrow I get to go and compare my notes with the previously seen clothing and then try and code this fucking monster. I need to figure out what I'm going to meta at the end of it. Last season was them doing their laundry so I've already got that covered. I think I already have metas on Dean dressing like John and Sam layering up so doing those again would just be very redundant. Anyone have any ideas?

Also? I'm kinda really bored with my layout now. I love my headers; it's just everything else that's blah. causette, remind me to poke you when you come online.

I also have this icky, icky feeling that I'm gonna end up not being able to go to WinCon. Chelsea's not going but she's still paying my con fee, so that's cool. However I have this huge feeling that either I'm gonna get turned down for financial aid (Because Mom and CJ, who my financial aid go off of, make a combined total of a lot of money) or I'm gonna get it but we're gonna need it for bills in August/September/October or something.

( RL emo. )

Well. I just spent about fifteen minutes sobbing uncontrollably outside of the DES office downtown.

Because I listed Mom's address as a mailing address the chick I talked to when I turned in my applications for food stamps and assistance said that whether or not we qualify depends on how much Mom makes (Because I'm under 22 and still live with a parent--despite me telling her that we don't live there). Which means we're probably gonna be completely screwed.

I sat in the parking lot outside of the building sobbing and trying to motivate myself to get up and walk to the bus stop.

I'm going to check my FList, add another scene in my Big Bang, tie up the ending, try and fix the cover for Hans's Big Bang, separate the stuff we wanna take with us and the stuff we're gonna have to leave behind, and then possibly go over to Phil's.

Today is fired.

I just got back from seeing PotC 3. It was good.

I feel like shit, I'm depressed and despite the knowledge that I should be working on Hans's art I just can't make myself care. All I want to do is roll over and go to sleep and I know it's because I'm depressed right now but there's nothing to distract me. Well, nothing that seems distractable.

I feel so completely and utterly beat down and helpless. Dad can't call us because we don't have the money to turn on the service that allows Dad to call on the phone. We gave him CJ's number because CJ said he would transfer the calls from Dad to us. Dad got through to CJ once and thy talked and the first line in our letter from him today is him telling us CJ's phone won't accept calls from him now either and him more or less accusing us of lying to him.

I understand why he wrote it--We know to ignore most of what he writes because you have nothing to do in jail but sit and get angry--but it still sucks. We told him we would turn on the phone because we thought that we were gonna be getting his last paycheck but that turned out not to happen and we can't afford to buy a $100 Visa Cash Card just because Mom is a horrible person who wont let us use her bank card (Despite us offering to pay her for it).

This is gonna be a bad... Few months, probably.

...I've only had a few bites of Mac & Cheese today. I think I should probably make some hot dogs or something.

But what else is new?

( Cut for RL. )

Also, on the first--one way or another--we lose our internet. We might lose it a little sooner but I don't know.

I'm currently awaiting word from audrarose or someone else in charge of Big Bang to see if I can get a few extra days to find somewhere I can hop online from for a few minutes to submit my stuff.

I debated posting about this because I know no one cares but hey, it's my journal. Fuck it.

I realize that most of you probably think I sound like a whiny little baby because I'm 21 and complaining because "Mommy won't take care of me" but I don't fucking care.

It's two weeks until the first.

Big Bang is due on the first, my story and the art I'm doing for Hans' fic.

The week surrounding the first, before and after, will probably be spent by me and Yussie trying to figure out what we're going to do with the TVs and beds and computers and moving back into Mom's apartment.

Mom said if we move back in we both have to get jobs.

My knee brace is still broken from a few months ago and it's not likely that she'll be able to front me the $400 it'll take to get fixed. Without the brace I'm on crutches and even with the brace I can only stand for about five hours at a time before my entire body starts to go beyond ache and into full-fledged hurt. It's why I've yet to keep a job for longer than two weeks; because I work fast food (Because I can't really do anything) and even though I tell them I have a knee brace and can only stand for five hours they always start my second week by scheduling me for 6-9 hours shifts. Or, like at Subway, 12-hour shifts. And then I end up having to quit because I can't stay at a job that makes me actually cry when I get home because of how much pain I'm in.

I can't get disability because my knee is not permanent; if I could manage to get everyone involved to agree to give me the surgery then it would be fixed.

Mom doesn't have cable internet or DSL or anything like that and I'm back to using my laptop with the broken, wobbley phone port. Which means I'm not even going back to 26.6kbps, I'm going back to... I have no idea what. Probably back to fighting Joseph over my desktop (Him for an hour, me for an hour, him for an hour, me for and hour, etc).

I'm in one of those nice, awesome little funks where all I want to do is sleep or lay in a bathtub all day long. My ADD is acting up so badly that I'm jittery, actually shaking off excess energy, and I can't concentrate on reading anything or writing anything or drawing or watching TV. My ulcer is acting up again to the point where nearly all food is aggravating it, I have two different cold sores from stress, and I'm scratching at my arms and face so bad that I'm starting to look like a meth addict again (Which is always a nice look; especially when you're job hunting).

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and force myself to try and fix my Big Bang.

Okay. So. 14,016 words into my Big Bang and I am so very completely fucked up that it's not fair.

( Cut for spoilers for 0219 - Folsom Prison Blues (Tonight's ep) and 0217 - Heart )

Okay. Help me, please? Should I keep it or change it?

Positive Traits Meme by lovebuggin.

Yeah, I know. Baaah.

Also? Birthday on Sunday. Was supposed to do something with Mom on Saturday but don't know if that's gonna happen. She was supposed to call me back tonight so we could got to lunch tomorrow and stuff.

She never called, of course. I know I should be used to this by now but I'm not. And I hate it because she makes me feel stupid because I believe her. She said she wanted to do something Easter weekend and I waited for her to call and she didn't and then I felt bad about myself and stupid. Kinda like I do now!

And in order to get my Big Bang done on time I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to work all day on Sunday. Because I swear, if I worried myself this whole time just to miss the deadline or WC minimum I think I may throw up.

This post brought to you by the letters E, V and E again. Why did she have to eat that fucking apple? Or whatever it is she did that caused menstruation, I'm not entirely clear on that one... Dean? Come on, it was in Carrie, you should know this one!

And to add on to the shitfest that is my day:

1) The thumbring I've had on for the last year just broke (It's a rubber bracelet roped around my thumb) and the only other bracelet I have that will fit won't fit over my wrist to get it off anymore.

2) The ring-type thing that keeps Dean's amulet on the leather cord around my neck broke too.

So that's four things of mine that are broke now.

Oh, right. Also? Mom gave Dad the broken old glasses as opposed to the old ones that just had an old prescription.

The dog has just broken another pair of my glasses.

I've had them for a month. One.

At least he didn't eat them this time, he just has this thing where he headbutts, it's a thing with his breed. And now the right lens frame is shattered and Dad is on his way to Mom's to nab my older, old pair.

And my crutches. Because my knee brace? Also dead. Just the top-most Velcro strap on the metal brace, but it's gonna cost around $500 to get it fixed. It is literally one strap, but they wont fix it and the place I go, they have to send it back to the maker for "maintenance."

I am now blind and more gimp-tastic than ever now. Whoo.

Oh, and according to that MyHeritage.com thing I look like either James Spader or Larry King. Yay.

I hate today.

So... This "confidence" thing I've been hearing about? Where would I be able to find some of it?

When even Starbucks wont hire you. Hell, you'd think I'd've learned when Wal-Mart didn't call me back.