BEWARE OF JENMAR. (clex_monkie89) wrote,
BEWARE OF JENMAR.
clex_monkie89

Depression

It's fun, right?

I'm pretty much bipolar. It isn't diagnosed because the job I work at that I hate doesn't give me insurance. I was gonna go to Ma's GP on Tuesday to see about getting on some kind of medication, but didn't go because a combination of not having the money and CJ wanting to talk to me about it first. Which I get, because Ma sometimes gets an idea in her head and gets her Stubborn on, and I know he just wants to make sure that I'm not agreeing to go if I'm good but just hating my job.

And, let me tell you, the amount of hate I have for this job is eclipsed only by the amount of hate I have for the asshole who is my temporary boss. Mine doesn't come back until the beginning of July, and I really don't know if I hope I'm still there then or not.

I almost got fired last night, because of a scheduling fuckup, and then I cried this morning when they decided I wasn't fired, and let me tell you, those were not tears of joy. I need the money, but the job makes me so fucking miserable and I hate everything about it, and everyone who calls in, and today My boss started to help me with a super fucking weird problem and then in the middle ignored me for EIGHTEEN MINUTES to the point where my customer hung up.

OUR CALLS HAVE A GOAL TO BE NO MORE THAN 12 MINUTES LONG. THAT STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WONDERS WHY MY STAT IS SO BAD, MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T A COMPLETE WORTHLESS HUMAN BEING, THEY WOULD BE GOING DOWN LIKE THEY WERE BEFORE YOU SHOWED UP.

I may the most sales on my team (remember, I work TECH SUPPORT), and the person is second averages 17 LESS than I do. But I'm on final written warning for not offering the sales enough. I'm also on written warning for not offering emails that no one pays attention to for the shit we fix, and written warning for my calls being too long, and final written warning for missing Business Critical because of a meltdown on the 18th and then yesterday morning (a Business Critical day) I signed up for an extra hour after my shift. And then I forgot, signed off at my normal time, and did not remember I said I'd work an extra hour until two minutes until said hour was done. That's the fuckup mentioned above.

I've been at this job just over a year now. Almost the entire time I have been looking for other work, but I cannot get anyone to call me back, except for people who are such a long drive way that after gas I would actually be paying to go to work. Right now I work at home, which sounds awesome, and probably would be if I liked my job. However, I loathe my job so intensely that working at home is like a punishment. I wake up, I walk six feet to my computer, I get on it, and I am literally up from it for maybe a combined total of a half an hour from 7:45am until midnight-ish when I go the six feet to my couch and go to sleep.

I wake up and spend four hours getting yelled at by people and told I don't know how to do anything right (basically), then have three hours sitting in the same spot and trying to hate myself a little less, then spend four more hours getting yelled at and told that I've been here long enough that I shouldn't have to ask for help and ignored when I do ask for it. And then I try to stay up as late as possible because if I go to sleep then when I wake up I have to get back on that stupid fucking phone and repeat the process.

I have no refuge. There is no safe space. I can't go home and separate myself from my job, because they're both in the same place and that place is now terrible because of it.

I added a ridiculous amount of words to my Big Bang on May 1st (almost a full 13k) and then have hardly touched it since. I feel so bad for poor colls, because she has 7k of coherent fic and then nothing. I try, but this entire month has been about 90% downswing and the other 10% so busy I cannot do a thing. And when I'm on a downswing I either just am too numb to care and don't even bother to try to open it, or everything is SO fucking horrible and stupid that I just want to delete it all and start from scratch. Which would be a very bad idea.

In addition to all that, one... Saturday? Friday? My old desktop broke, I moved to one we bought off a guy that was password protected in the core like work computers tend to be, so I couldn't install my work system on it. Then I moved to Ma's new desktop, which would not allow me to the login page for work, and then to Yussie's which is now mine. And then two days later my old work computer completely broke. About an hour after my laptop gave out.

Now, when I say my laptop gave out, what I really mean is it did that thing it would do occasionally where it spends about two hours trying to fix an issue it finds, and says in big, BOLD letters across the screen ATTEMPTING TO REPAIR DISC. DO NOT POWER OFF OR UNPLUG.

So, naturally, Ma turned it off. And it ruined the harddrive to the point where Yussie tried to reinstall Windows on it and it told him to go fuck himself. Now, on the plus side, I had known my desktop was giving out, so I backed it up on my server constantly. I have all my comics, fonts, PS presets, pictures, music, etc. The TV and movies I downloaded are gone, but I have 3.80TCreds on TVT and a ratio of 4.73 on IPT with 3,559 bonus points, so I'm not exactly worried about getting those back, besides just plain remembering what I want.

But my awesome husband unperfectwolf has been working on her Squee! submission for the last two hours and unwittingly helping me feel better by talking about finding fandom when she was in single digits and wincon. I genuinely am feeling a little better now, so I'm going to end this novel of a post before that turns again.

I might be super slow to respond to comments, because procrastination is awesome when I downswing.
Tags: rl, rl: work, writer's block, writing
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