BEWARE OF JENMAR. (clex_monkie89) wrote,
BEWARE OF JENMAR.
clex_monkie89

Drive-By Posting (The Only Kind I Do Anymore)

I am still pretty obsessed with this song. I want to tattoo Johnathon Groff's voice in this on me.

Speaking of tattoos, I want one so damn bad. I was supposed to get an army man and Lego (judge away, I don't care) back in, like, March, and then it kept getting out back. My big brother's sister (me and him share Ma, he and her share a dad) is gonna get his ADC number on her, so we were gonna get them together.

Problem is that she lives nine hours north in Pinion (she teaches English on the res up near Four Corners. English like writing, not like ESL) and thus can only get down here occasionally. Also, B (our older brother) is gonna help her design hers so she wants to wait for that. So it was gonna be done in March then got pushed back, then was gonna be done in May, but it got pushed back, and then she was down here in Phoenix from Friday to today to see B and go to a Cake concert, but then she ended up not coming here today because she had to get back up north.

I mean, I know it isn't personal or anything, but... I had a group of friends a while back, who apparently used to talk to each other about how much they hated me, and I had no idea until one of them emailed me this manifesto basically of all the ways they thought I was a shitty friend and shitty person and how I alienated people and no one actually liked me.

So, you guessed it, now I have fairly huge issues where I am pretty terrified that everyone I know actually hates me. It doesn't help that she is literally a month older than me and a teacher and lives on her own and has been to Ireland and done things and I am the same age and live at home with my parents, work in a call center, dropped out of community college, do not have a car, and do not even have any control over any of the money that I make.

I hate so much of my life right now, guys. I work in a dead-in job that I can't even be good at because they actually make it impossible to succeed there. And I can't even get another job because I'm not qualified for anything. Did you know that most administrative assistant jobs require some kind of degree? I can't go back to college either, because with three people working full-time jobs and OT every single penny goes to the bills and we're still behind on most of them by at least a month. Though, really, it's only a month now on most.

I don't want this life, guys. I don't wanna be in my 40s and working in a fucking call center because I can't do anything else. I don't want to still be doing sales on the phone because there are 1,500 people and only 15 spots for management. I totally had to just ignore this and switch over to AIM for a few minutes because I started crying, so I think I will switch topics now.

Instead of doing a quick one-off entry and then writing my Big Bang (I killed the ending and now can't make one fit) I have been writing this for an hour and a half. I'm gonna post now and go back to ignoring all my feelings, because when I do that I don't feel like I'm depressed!
Tags: all about me, rl: all about me, rl: bryon, rl: money, rl: work
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